


i hurt people's feelings i guess I should die

by petrichorputrescence



Series: 500 Themes Challenge [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Family Bonding, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Smoking, sad boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 18:49:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14551107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petrichorputrescence/pseuds/petrichorputrescence
Summary: Dirk is a ghost of what he used to be, Rose believes he needs to live.





	i hurt people's feelings i guess I should die

**Author's Note:**

> 44\. Broken

Dirk lies awake at night, his mind racing, his body a temple of sin. He touches his neck to find his head still attached, he breathes but there’s no life in it. There’s no life in this room, he muses, looking at the barren no-bedroom apartment from his mattress on the floor.

There’s a vinyl player and there’s a stack of vinyls, there’s a skull from a bird Dirk can’t identify in the corner. There’s takeout containers and rotting leftovers in another corner. There’s a casserole dish somewhere in there, dry with tomato sauce and so pompous it vibrates with smugness. Rose’s smile had said it all.

“A welcome gift for your new home.”

Dirk avoided talking to his daughter-sister-mother much. Her eyes saw too much and her face looked too much like what he saw in the mirror

The mirror against the wall is cracked. It faces the mattress. Dirk has been meaning to put it up in the background, but he didn’t, and now everything is ruined. In the darkness, Dirk thinks the wall is cracked too. He thinks the cracks grow everyday, closer and closer to him. They crawl closer to him, every night. They whisper things. 

“Did the horrorterrors whisper to you too?”

The only whispers Dirk hears are from his own mistakes.

He’s afraid of his face in the dark, he thinks, but he doesn’t look away. Unshaven, dark marks under his eyes, hair unstyled and greased against his forehead. Judith Beheading Holofernes. Saturn Devouring His Son. Caravaggio, Goya, mistakes.

Dirk had always been a pretentious one.

“Are you home?”

Dirk is never home. He doesn’t know what home feels like.

“Dirk? I have the spare key, don’t make me walk in on you naked.”

Wait, fuck, that’s not brain Rose, that’s Rose Rose. Dirk curses out loud and jumps to his feet, throwing a pair of jeans that are too saggy on him now over his mostly unclothed body. He can’t find a shirt and he won’t bother with one, because Rose is already opening the door. She glances side to side, inspecting both the dwellings and their prisoner.

“I like what you’ve done with the place. Really drives the 20-something slacker aesthetic home, with a bit of goth hipster flourish. Could use a bit of a clean up, but, really, it just makes it all that much cozier to see a house that’s been lived in.”  
Dirk groans and staggers towards her, one hand holding his boxers up, the other covering his eyes from the light in the hallway. When was the last time he saw a light that didn’t come from his computer monitor.

“If you want your casserole dish back, fuck you, it’s mine now.” He grumbles. Rose doesn’t pay any attention to him as she walks inside and shuts the door. She kicks a bottle, something empty and glass into the corner.

“Drinking on your meds?” She says, her voice a reflection of nothing. Dirk stares at her, still holding his pants up.

“Some god you are.” She smirks and sits down on the “bed”, looking up at him but feeling all that much taller for it. Dirk runs his fingers through his hair.

“What are you doing here?” Dirk’s voice is heavy with sleep and smoke and alcohol.

“Suicide watch. Not that you can kill yourself, but I like to play the part.” Rose shuffles awkwardly, trying to look dignified as she sits on the floor on a mattress with no covers. She gives up and crosses her legs, tilting her head aside to look at him in that way that reminds Dirk too much of himself.

Dirk scoffs. “Shouldn’t you be on your fifth honey moon?”

“Shouldn’t you be doing something with your eternal life?” Rose replies.

“Eternal is overrated.” Dirk gives up. He sits down next to her.

Rose pauses. They sit in silence. 

“Jake would like to see you.”

“Well, I don’t care much for lookin’ at’im, so I think that’s a no.”

Rose sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. Dirk flinches. The mirror mocks him.

“How long has it been since you’ve showered?” Rose asks, giving him a look. “You smell like a dumpster fire.”

“I am a dumpster fire.”

Rose is quiet for a long time. It’s less uncomfortable than Dirk expects. His eyes close and he listens to her breathe. It’s been so long since he’s heard another person breathe. 

“You have to get better.” Rose mutters.

“Can’t polish a turd, isn’t that what they say?”

Rose looks in the mirror. Dirk looks smaller, sunken in himself, head in his hands and fingers raking through his hair. She thinks the cracks look pretty, in a way.

“I thought he was the love of my life, you know?” Dirk says. Rose’s face contorts in pain and she hopes he doesn’t look back at the mirror anytime soon.

“And I, hell, I hurt him bad, Rose.”

“He didn’t tell you. You couldn’t have know.”

“Let’s face it.” Dirk roots around in his jeans. He pulls out a lighter and finds a cigarette somewhere in the trash that surrounds his bed. “Even if he did, would I have done anything different? The problem’s inside me, Rose. It’s in my blood, it’s in my soul.”

They’re both quiet.

“You know what Dave went through.”

“That was different,” Rose says “You’re not him. Roxy isn’t my mom.”

“It’s in my blood. It’s poison, Rose.” He swallows dry and lights his cigarette. “If you’re a rose full of thorns, I’m poison ivy.”

“Shut up.” Rose groans. She takes the cigarette from him and takes a drag. Dirk winces.

“That’s bad for you.”

“What, am I gonna die a just death because I smoked?” She tilts her head back towards him and gives him a look. Dirk actually laughs, but it rings hollow.

“How’s the wife?”

Rose bites down on her cigarette. “Eternity is a long time to be with someone.”

Dirk finds another death stick for himself and lights it up. The room is dark and filled with smoke. 

“Are we gods or are we just…” Dirk trails off.

“I think we’re just.” Rose responds, her eyes on the mirror again.  
“I don’t want to spend eternity thinking about all the bad shit I did.” Dirk says.

“Well,” Rose pauses “You have eternity to make up for it.”

“Some things you can never redeem yourself from.”

They sit in silence for what feels like months. Rose gets up and starts throwing trash into the nearest bag. Dirk watches her.

“Why?” he asks, tone flat.

“Because you deserve it.” Rose sighs. “No matter how much you think you don’t.”

Dirk groans and lies down. “No. Leave me to my misery.”

“Cover your eyes.”

“What?”

Rose rolls the blinds up. Dirk hisses and turns over, covering his face with his pillow.

“Why?”

“I don’t know honestly. Something about vitamin D and Seasonal Affective Disorder.”

“Leave me to my suffering.”

“Bro.” The word feels almost foreign in Rose’s voice. “Seriously, knock it off.”

Dirk pauses, then gets up. He catches his pants just in time to avoid Rose being traumatized for life by smuppet boxers. He starts to help as best as he can.

“Is the… Is the skull trash?” Rose mutters.

“Gift from Dave.” Dirk responds.

Rose pauses. “So, yes?”

“No.”

Rose gives a one shoulder shrug and puts it on top of the CRT TV (a gift from Roxy. Apparently it’s the superior form of television. Especially for games. Dirk hasn’t touched it once.)

By the time they’re done, they’re both lying down sideways on the mattress, legs hanging off and staring at the ceiling.

“I wish I could die.” Dirk mutters.

“Well, you’re not allowed.” Rose responds “Neither by me, nor paradox space. I need my father, after all.”

Dirk makes a noise that’s somewhere between a chortle and a snort and elbows her. “Never call me father again.”

They sit in silence for what feels like forever. Dirk wishes it was.

**Author's Note:**

> [TOEWGMO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKVql-F7CKw)


End file.
